“This goes deeper than just some feelings of loss and sadness. A person’s entire being—including their nervous system, limbic system, and brain chemistry—needs to adjust,” Thomas says. “This shift from one reality, when the person was alive, to another, when that person and their energy is gone, is highly emotional. It’s the most significant kind of change that humans must adjust to.” Even if people lived far apart from each other or were emotionally distant when the death occurs, the experience is jarring and intense, Thomas adds. The relationship that was is now over, and unlike any other relationship “break up” where separation anxiety might occur, there’s a finality to death. “The transition will require epic emotional strength for the person to adapt to their new reality,” she says. This transitional process can require more emotional strength than they have available, and showing up for your friend or family member during that time can help bolster them when they are feeling unsteady. Keep these five pointers in mind as you prepare to write a condolence letter or send a sympathy card. The condolence cards she received after her dad died “lifted me up in ways that I never knew a card could do,” she adds. American cultural norms make it difficult and far from comfortable to talk about death in person, but expressing handwritten sympathies can have just as big of an impact without the face-to-face discomfort. (Or perhaps an even bigger one, since the card can be saved and reread during difficult moments.) “For so many people, the emptiness is the worst part of loss. Every piece of support that reminds them that they are cared for and that they matter to others makes a major difference,” she says. “There’s never a situation where adding more emotional support is something to avoid. Nearly every person needs more support than they are typically willing to admit to themselves and to others,” Thomas says. Think back to the last time you received a piece of snail mail. It feels pretty good to receive a thoughtful card, and even if it’s for a less-than-happy reason, knowing that someone wants you to feel better can provide an instant boost. “Love heals and strengthens people,” Thomas says. “Condolence cards are like sending in a huge hug to a person. They can lift the recipient up with a piece of your strength so they can have the emotional strength they need to carry on their daily responsibilities.” “Don’t overcomplicate the situation by trying to do what you’re comfortable with. Instead, think about what will comfort the person and that will get you the outcomes you want for them,” Thomas says. After her dad died, Thomas explains that she received the perfect sympathy card at the perfect time from an old friend. It was such a highlight, in fact, that she framed it next to a photo of her dad—which she now looks at daily. The sentiments are notable because they are authentic, sincere, and simple. It reads: “My apology for the delayed card, but I just learned of your dad’s passing. He was always so generous and nice to me. I was saddened to hear the news. I know how much you meant to him and how very proud he was of you! I’m sorry for your loss.” Notice how the words acknowledge that there has been a change in the recipient’s life, express sympathy, and mention things she wanted and needed to hear (that her dad was a good guy and that he was proud of her). “I was actually surprised at how few cards I received after my dad died, and that made the ones that I got that much more special and valuable to me. They felt like a lifeline and as if there was still a piece of my dad alive, just because someone was writing to acknowledge his life and his passing,” Thomas says. Showing support during one of the potentially most trying times of this person’s life can offer an opportunity for your relationship to grow stronger than before the passing happened.
